


Apartment Circus

by daisybrien



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Modern Era, Multi, Other, Pets, Sensuality, Studio Apartment, so many pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:52:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisybrien/pseuds/daisybrien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When one of Hange's pets has an emergency that leaves her running a last minute errand, Levi and Erwin are left in their apartment to watch the rest of them.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the two of them are less competent in pet care than they thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apartment Circus

**Author's Note:**

> For a friend, hence all the ridiculous pets.

“You know,” Levi pants, his breath heavy in his exhaustion, his words whispered into Hange’s sweaty skin as their limbs tangle together under the sheets, “I think I would enjoy fucking much more if we didn’t have that dog howling outside our door every time we did it.”

He hears Hange snort in response, her bare chest jolting under his head, her tan skin sticky against his cheek. He peers up at her, Erwin’s head obscuring her face as he traces soft, luxurious kisses into her skin, slowly tracing his way down to her stomach. Levi places a hand on Erwin’s head, fingers lacing into his blond locks, following his movements as his lips slowly trail across the dip of Hange’s waist. Finally able to get a view of her face, Levi watches the corners of her lips curl upward, her mouth and nose the only thing visible, her arm slung over her still closed eyes as she basks in the warmth of the bed.

“Erwin doesn’t seem to mind,” Hange says, her voice low and husky. She gives a low moan as Erwin places a large kiss in the dip of her stomach, looking up at her with his piercing blue eyes.

“That’s because he doesn’t say anything about it,” Levi grumbles, one finger moving to twirl a lock of her oily hair. 

The arm moves up to Hange’s forehead, one eye peering down at Levi, her eyebrow raised as her smirk grows. Her arm slowly shifts down, moving in a sweeping motion as it settles around him, her fingers brushing the shaved part of his undercut. There’s a piercing whine from behind the bedroom door, something scratching against the wood 

“I think you’re just envious of the attention I give him,” Hange says. “At least Erwin doesn’t mind sharing my attention.”

“I think Erwin’s trying to not get on your bad side,” Levi says, shifting in bed, lifting himself up so they’re eye level, wrapping his arms around her. She raises her eyebrows in amusement, grinning at him.

“I’m right here, you know,” Erwin chimes from beneath them, staring up at them with wide eyes, face nuzzled against her side. Hange looks down at him, breathing out a laugh as her other hand moves to brush through his hair.

“Yeah, Levi,” Hange says. “Maybe you should let Erwin speak for himself. In fact, maybe you should follow in his steps and not try to get on my bad side.”

There’s another whine from the doorway, this one sputtering out into a forlorn howl, the scratching growing louder. Hange sighs, her head falling back on the pillows. She smiles in amusement as she starts to lift herself up from the mattress.

“Don’t you dare let that furball in here,” Levi groans, his arms firm around Hange waist as she tries to pry herself out of them.

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Hange says, pulling harder. She breaks free of his grasp, Levi relinquishing his hold in defeat, her body slowly rising from their bed. He sits up with his back against the headboard, watching Hange’s naked form waltz around the room, eyes tracing the curve of her hips as she bends to grab clothes on the floor, or the arch of her back as she lifts one of Erwin’s shirts over her head, her breasts pushing out before disappearing under the fabric. There’s another howl from the door, making Hange give an exasperated sigh.

“Alright, Glutes, I’m coming,” she calls out, tripping over the books strewn over the floor, moving to open the door.

“Oh god, come on, Hange,” Levi groans, watching as her dog comes prancing into the room, his shaggy, blotched hair bouncing on his frame. His head peaks up over the mattress, his tongue glistening with slobber as it hangs from his panting mouth. Levi braces himself for the worst, preparing for the massive thing to leap onto the bed to suffocate him, not unlike the many times he’s pushed his way into their room during the night and crawled onto one of their faces, their noses and mouths filled with fur and all. But he doesn’t make the jump, instead making his way back to the door, following Hange.

“I’m gonna make coffee,” Hange chirps, floating out of the room.

“Put some toast in the toaster for me, please,” Erwin calls from the bed, moving so that his head is level with the pillows again, propping an elbow up on the mattress and resting his head on his hand. His other arm pulls Levi towards him, laying him down so Erwin can look at him from above.

“Please tell me you want to team up to get rid of that dog,” Levi murmurs, shifting himself closer, his head settling against Erwin’s bare chest. Erwin breathes out a chuckle, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he smiles. 

“It’s not so bad,” Erwin says. “Come on, he’s kind of cute, anyway.”

“That thing sheds like Chewbacca,” Levi says, “and is definitely not fucking cute when it sits on your face in the middle of the night.”

“Don’t be such a buzz kill,” Erwin murmurs, leaning down. He presses his lips against Levi’s, wet and soft, and Levi can’t help but open his mouth to deepen the kiss.

“We can’t manage with her pets,” Levi continues, breaking the kiss. “We could barely afford this shitty box of an apartment, and she has a circus running around in it.”

“They make her happy, Levi,” Erwin says, his words broken by his kisses. “I think that’s enough.”

“Mm,” Levi moans, unable to speak with Erwin’s lips against his. He gives into them, their mouths moving together sloppily in slow, languid kisses, the two of them still tired after their morning sex. They push their bodies closer, chests pressed together, hands running over the muscles in their arms, legs intertwining in the mussed sheets.

Erwin groans, pushing Levi onto his back. His kisses become faster, more forceful, pulling moans from Levi’s throat as they trace over his jaw and neck, only to circle back to his swollen lips again. His hands are rough, grabbing at Levi’s skin with neediness, his movements too fast and feverish for Levi to catch up.

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi groans, eyes closed, his head falling back as Erwin’s mouth sucks at the sensitive skin of his shoulder. Erwin rocks his hips against Levi’s, sighing into his skin, and Levi can feel something hard and persistent against the inside of his thigh. “How the fuck are you able to recover this fast?”

“Maybe I just haven’t had enough of you, yet,” He says, blue eyes boring into Levi’s, glassy with desire. He rocks his hips against Levi again, and Levi feels himself getting hard, biting his lip.

His words are enough to make Levi lose it. He decides to take control, flipping them over, straddling Erwin’s hips. His lips are persistent, fierce, their tongues dipping into each other’s mouths with each kiss. Levi nibbles at Erwin’s lower lip, sucking on it before letting go to kiss him again. Their hands start running over each other’s skin, running patterns over their bodies. Levi presses kisses to Erwin’s neck, biting at the skin, grinding together. The motion makes Erwin groan deep in his throat, bucking underneath him, and Levi feels his heart palpitate in anticipation as Erwin’s hand slowly brushes its way down his chest, moving between their hips.

“Oh fuck!” The scream sounds from outside the bedroom, accompanied by the sound of clattering glass. It makes Erwin and Levi jump, the two of them disentangling. Levi’s panic launches him out of bed, and he rushes to peer out the doorway, butt naked and still half aroused before Erwin has a chance to stop him.

“Levi,” Erwin says, grabbing him by the arm. They turn to face each other for a moment, staring until they register their nakedness. “At least go put on some boxers.”

Levi nods, scrambling to find one of his boxers in his dresser, Erwin tripping while putting on his own as he calls out to see if Hange is okay. Once Levi has slipped into his underwear, he rushes out the door, emerging into the kitchenette of their tiny studio apartment.

The kitchenette is mostly empty but for Glutes howling at the counter. The coffeepot bubbles in the corner, and Levi can smell its tempting aroma from across the room. Dishes fill the kitchen sink, cups and plates scattered across the counter. 

He twists his head to get a look inside the living space, cringing at the piles of notes and clothes draped haphazardly from the floor and over the small couch, a chew toy hanging from the top of the television. Blankets drape the floor of one corner, Hange’s teacup pig snoozing lazily in the middle of the nest they created for her on the floor. Her ferret’s cage sat in the farthest corner, the thin, furry creature scurrying through each of the two levels, poking its nose between the bars in curiosity, its attempt at finding the commotion in the room. 

He finds Hange in the next farthest corner, closest to the kitchenette, kneeling down on the floor by the side of her gecko tank. She mutters to herself frantically, fumbling with the one of the lamps sitting on top of the tank.

“Hange,” Levi says. He sees Erwin approach out of the corner of his eye, dressed in an undershirt and grey boxers, his hair messy. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Bean’s heat lamp is out,” Hange cries, her voice thick. She stares up at them from the floor, her eyes brimming with tears, biting her lip. “I don’t know how long he’s been without it and we don’t have any spares in the cabinet.”

“Hange, he’s probably fine,” Erwin says calmly. “It’s not a big deal-“

“Of course it’s a big deal!” she says, getting up. “He’s cold-blooded! He needs a heat source or he’s going to die!”

She starts shuffling around the house, plucking dirty clothes from the floor, slipping into a pair of track pants. “I need to go to the pet store and get him another one,” she says. “You guys need to stay here and watch everyone for me.”

“Wait,” Levi says, watching her incredulously as she bolts through the house half naked, slipping on the first piece of wearable clothes she can find. “You’re leaving us here to take care of your pets?”

“Yeah,” Hange shrugs, lifting one of her worn galaxy sweaters over her head. “That’s the plan.”

“Well I don’t agree with whatever this shit plan is,” Levi scowls. “I’m not taking care of your fucking animals for you.”

“Kind of hypocritical of you to say, considering you are one of them,” Hange says, smirking to herself as Erwin tries to stifle a chuckle. She lifts her hands over her head, pulling her hair back in a messy bun, greasy strands falling in front of her face and down her back. “Seriously though, I’d really appreciate it if you could just watch Bean for me.”

“We’ll do whatever we can,” Erwin says, speaking before Levi can curse at her. 

“Oh thank you so much,” Hange says, running to Erwin for a quick peck on the lips before turning to Levi. When she presses her lips to his cheek, he doesn’t lean in. “He’s sitting on his favourite rock, so it won’t be hard to keep an eye on him. You can tell he’s breathing by looking at his neck, so call me if it starts to slow. If you think he needs it there’s a heat pack in my top drawer, you can put it against his tank as a last resort.

“Glutes and Bandit both still have food in their bowls, and I fed Bean last night. But if Teacup wakes up she’ll need to be fed. Her food is in the green bag with the-“

“The pig on it, duh, I know where it is,” Erwin soothes. “We got this. Go get the light bulb.”

“Thanks so much,” she says again, scooping up her bag from the floor and slipping her feet into her sneakers before swinging the door open, the sound of her feet thumping on the floor growing silent as she rushes down the apartment corridor.

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Levi huffs, collapsing into one of the rickety kitchen chairs. He rubs his temples, closing his eyes, taking in a deep whiff of brewing coffee. “I cannot fucking believe this.”

“Oh, relax Levi,” Erwin says. He taps the cancel button on the toaster, and then goes to the mini fridge to rummage for some jam. “She won’t be gone for more than an hour. I’m sure we’ll be able to handle her little animal circus until then.”

“We?” Levi asks. “There is no ‘we’ in this. You can handle these animals on your own.”

“Are you really going to spend the whole day moping?” Erwin asks, his head emerging from the cool air of the fridge, giving a small, triumphant smile as he holds a jar of strawberry jam out. He starts to fish a butter knife out of the drawers. “You can’t possibly be this angry over such a small thing.”

“She is the most frustrating, impulsive, disgusting, annoying person I’ve ever had to deal with,” Levi groans, hands rubbing at his face. 

“And yet,” Erwin says, his back facing Levi, the sound of his knife grating against the rough surface of the toast coming from in front of him, “you were more than happy to have her fuck you senseless this morning.”

“Fuck off,” Levi grumbles under his breath, getting up off his seat. He makes his way to the counter, grabbing two mugs from the overhead cupboards before pouring coffee into each of them. He takes one, handing it to Erwin, who accepts it with a smile.

“Thank you,” he says, slowly making his to the living room. He makes his way to the corner with the lizard tank in it, sliding his back down the wall and eventually falling on his ass with a small thump to the floor, where he sits cross-legged. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Levi asks from the counter, raising and eyebrow. Glutes brushes past him and into the living space, his nose glued to the floor, following the scent of Erwin’s toast. His paws pad at Erwin’s thighs before stepping over them, face reaching out for the plate Erwin extends over his head. Erwin scolds the dog with a soft laugh, slowly rubbing his hand through the tough fur.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asks innocently, blues eyes wide, staring at him from over Glutes’ back.

“Why are you sitting on the floor?”

“I thought I’d take first watch.”

“Over what?” Levi asks, slowly bringing his cup to his lips, the hot coffee burning his mouth. He winces, but couldn’t care less. He needs his caffeine this morning.

“The lizard tank?” Erwin says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Hange did tell us to watch it.”

Levi sputters on his coffee, coughing. Some dribbles out of his mouth, and he reaches for a napkin to cover his face, the heat burning in his sinuses, roasting the back of his throat.

“It’s a fucking lizard, Erwin!” Levi chokes out, loud enough to make all of Hange’s pets startle, Teacup jolting in her sleep, Bandit speeding around his cage. Glutes jumps from Erwin’s lap, his head knocking against Erwin’s chin and making him yelp in pain, and runs up to Levi, howling. 

“I have no idea why you’re taking this so seriously,” Levi says, rising from his seat to watch Erwin from the couch. He flops down, crossing one leg over the other. “We could honestly use one less animal in the house.”

“Levi,” Erwin says scornfully, his bushy eyebrows rising, “you shouldn’t treat Hange’s pets like a joke. You know how much they make her happy.”

“Well, they don’t make me happy,” Levi says, “and they can’t possibly make you happy either.”

“If they make Hange happy, I’m happy,” Erwin says, turning back to the tank. He leans down a little, peering through the glass. “I’m willing to suffer through a mini zoo in my apartment for our relationship.”

“It’s more than the actual animals being in here, and you know that,” Levi presses. “They occupy all of her attention.”

“Someone’s jealous,” Erwin says, and Levi can hear the smirk in his voice.

“Oh, fuck off,” Levi scoffs. “She’s free to go gallivanting off on her own little pet store adventure on her quest to find another lamp for this shitty reptile, meanwhile we’re waiting her to take care of the mess her pets leave behind, and on the only day in three weeks we’ve had a day off at the same time and actually planned to go out together.

“Not to mention the cost of these things,” Levi grumbles, looking into the dark waves sloshing in his mug. “You’d think knowing we could barely afford to rent this apartment would make her aware of what little money we have, but no, it’s completely fine to waste her saved cash on five different types of specialty pet food.”

“It was an emergency for her, Levi,” Erwin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “She’ll be back soon with the lamp and we can go out like we planned.

“And she’s a doctor in training,” Erwin continues. “She’s making more money than the two of us combined. If anyone has a right to spend money liberally, it’s her.”

“Doesn’t mean she’s spending it responsibly.”

“Levi.”

“What.”

“Don’t hound her over this,” Erwin says gently. “I know you don’t mean to, but you’re being pretty harsh.”

“It’s not Hange I’m pissed at,” Levi says. “I’m just pissed at all these little shitty animals circling me every fucking day.”

“You say that as if you hate all of them.”

“I do hate all of them.”

“No you don’t,” Erwin laughs. “I see the way you cuddle with Teacup.”

“Okay, you’re right,” Levi admits. He looks towards the pile of blankets in the corner, Teacup’s tiny legs stirring. “It’s not my fault she’s adorable.”

Erwin gives out a small sound of satisfaction, settling in against the wall. He leans down to look through the glass of the tank again, craning his neck.   
“So, should I call you in fifteen minutes to take my place, or-“

“Fuck no,” Levi says. 

“Alright then,” Erwin says, pressing his lips together. He leans his head back against the wall, staring off into space. They settle into a comfortable silence, the two of them sipping at their coffee quietly, occasionally shifting to push Glutes’ persisting, wet nose away from their mugs. 

Levi drains his cup quickly, getting up from the sofa. He dumps his mug into the growing pile of dirty dishes in the sink, making a mental note to clean them later. He makes his way into the bedroom, grabbing clothes from his dresser and pulling them on before making his way to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

He’s sitting on the toilet when he hears a quiet knock on the door, Erwin’s voice quietly drifting from outside.

“Levi?” he says tentatively, higher and quieter than usual, a sign of his anxiety rising. “I’m not bothering you, am I?”

“What is it,” Levi groans, leaning his head back onto the flat top of the back of the toilet. He hears Erwin sputter from beyond the door, the words seeming to stick in his mouth.

“Um, I’m just worried about Bean, is all,” he stutters, “I think his breath is slowing down.”

“I’m trying to take a shit,” Levi says. “That lizard is the last thing on my mind.”

“Yeah, well Hange told me where the heat pack is, but I can’t seem to find it,” Erwin replies. 

Levi exhales heavily, rubbing his face with his hands, his fingers dragging down his face. “Give me a second,” he sighs.

He hears Erwin shuffle outside the door, murmuring a quiet ‘thank you’ before his footsteps start to fade as he makes his way down the hall. It takes Levi a while, but he finally gets up, washing his hands and flicking on the switch for the bathroom fan before making his way back into the living room.

He’s greeted with Erwin’s ass pointing at him, snickering to himself as he watches Erwin crouch in front of the tank, twisting his head to the side to look through the mess of wood and fake leaves inside. He turns around when Levi enters, his hand rubbing at his mouth in concern, his eyebrows furrowed.

A sniff sounds from behind Erwin’s hand, his brow wrinkling as his face contorts into an expression of disgust. “Oh god, Levi,” Erwin exclaims, “I didn’t know you were brewing an atomic bomb inside your ass.”

“Hardy-fucking-har-har,” Levi deadpans, glaring at Erwin as he makes his way into the kitchen. 

“I hope you have another can of Febreeze in your drawers,” Erwin says, “because you’re going to need it.”

“You bet your ass I do,” Levi says. He makes his way into the kitchen, shuffling through the cupboards, hands reaching into the corners in search for the heat blanket Hange had told them about. “I need to, considering I’m the only thing in this house that cares about stuff being clean.”

“Seriously, Levi,” Erwin groans, “that shit is going to linger for hours. Mike’s gonna be able to smell that for months.”

“Good.” Levi says. “Maybe it will scare him away. Keep him from bringing his five fucking pit bulls in here for ‘playdates’ with Asshole.”

“His name is Gluteus Maximus, Levi.”

“Oh excuse me,” Levi says, sarcasm dripping from his words. “Sorry I didn’t use the proper synonym to describe him.”

“Don’t apologize to me,” Erwin says, “apologize to Glutes.”

“The thing smells and is covered in dirty hair, it’s not my fault he reminds me of one,” Levi says. He pulls his arm out from the back of the cabinet, the blue fabric of   
the heat pack balled up in his hands, its cord trailing behind it as he pulls it out. He balls it up, wrapping the cord around it, tossing it at Erwin’s chest.

“There you go,” Levi says, walking past him and flopping down on the couch. He lies down along the length of the sofa, his feet barely dangling off the armrest at the other end. He looks over at Erwin, watching him fumble with the plug of the heat blanket with a smirk, his large hands draping the fabric over the side of the glass tank.

“It’s not getting very warm,” Erwin says after a while, staring at the tank intently. “I don’t think it’s working.”

“Good,” Levi says, staring at rough texture of the ceiling.

“No, Levi, not good,” Erwin mutters to himself. “I want this gecko to be alive when Hange gets back.”

“Life is full of disappointments, Erwin.”

“Yeah, well I want to avoid them as much as possible,” Erwin says, Glutes moving to hover behind him as he adjusts the blanket. “Even if they don’t seem like disappointments to you.

“Still, I can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong,” Erwin mumbles, running a hand through his hair. He looks to Levi pleadingly, piercing eyes wide with distress. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, why are you looking at me?” Levi yelps, his shoulders shrugging. “How the hell am I supposed to help you with it?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin whines, “I can’t tell if it’s actually helping or not.”

“Is its breathing getting better?” Levi asks dryly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t tell,” Erwin sighs. “You want to take a look at it?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t,” Erwin grunts. “Will you do it anyway?”

Levi groans, closing his eyes, his head sinking deeper into the armrest. “Fine,” he says, slipping off the cushions dramatically, kneeling on the floor with Erwin. Glutes comes to rub up behind him, his fur no doubt shedding onto Levi’s shirt.

“He’s right there,” Erwin whispers, as if the words would disturb the creature laying in the tank. One of his thick fingers moves to point at the glass, Levi following it, his eyes directed to a mess of fake leaves and damp wood. He looks into the crevices between the leaves to find something staring back at him, its wide pupil a vertical slit in its bulbous eyeball, its head flat and round like a diamond shaped pancake. Its mouth, a split along the side, opens slightly, its pink tongue slipping out to lick the surface of its eye in lieu of an eyelid before slipping back inside. Cringing, Levi looks down to the underside of its lower jaw, the grey skin underneath smooth and thin, fragile enough to see it expand and contract rhythmically with each breath.

“It’s disgusting,” Levi says, “but it’s its normal disgusting self.”

“I don’t know,” Erwin muses, “he looks a little darker than usual, and his breath seems kinda shallow, don’t you think?”

“Hm,” Levi grunts. He squints harder, moving his head so he can get a better view through the leaves. No matter which way he turns, he can’t seem to see a difference in how it looks, the movement of the gecko’s breathing still fast and regular, his skin still the same tannish grey it always is. But he still doesn’t trust his judgment, skeptical of either of their ability to properly spot the gecko’s signs of distress. While Erwin admitted to have known no knowledge in reptile care, Levi highly doubted he would even remember how the thing looked on a regular day, his observations limited to the moments of horror and frustration Hange would put him under, as though she found it funny to watch him shriek whenever she placed the poor animal on his shoulder unknowingly.

“Maybe,” Erwin says, thinking out loud, “he’ll be able to get more heat if we put the blanket inside.”

“If you even think of opening that tank I’ll kick you ass so hard you’ll taste foot cream.”

“I’m willing to make that sacrifice,” Erwin says. He starts to pull the blanket off the outside of the tank, sliding out the screen on the front of it.

“Erwin I will fucking kill you!” Levi growls, jolting from his spot on the floor, bracing himself to run from the room. Still, Erwin continues, laughing to himself as he removes the screen on the front of the tank completely, even smiling affectionately at the animal inside.

“Hey little guy,” Erwin hums quietly, as if talking to a baby. He starts to ball up parts of the pack, shoving it slowly into the corner of the tank. Levi scowls, watching as the fabric makes contact with the soil at the bottom of the tank, staining it the dark, wet brown of the dirt. 

“Erwin,” Levi groans unsteadily, moving backwards. There’s a shuffling sound from inside the tank, the plastic leaves rustling before collapsing onto the tank floor, the outline of the lizard zooming across the glass to the front. Levi watches in terror as its head leans over the edge of the opening, stopping briefly.

“Oh shit,” Erwin curses, reaching forward to nudge Bean back in before he can leap from his confines. The movement startles him, and he bolts forward, slipping through Erwin’s grasp and speeding along the floor.

“Fuck!” Levi yells, his voice a high-pitched yelp as he flies to the back of the room, climbing backwards onto the couch. On the other side of the apartment, he hears   
Glutes bark in response. “Fucking shit, Erwin!”

“Oh god!” Erwin groans, “oh god oh god oh god.” He starts following it across the floor, stepping on his toes; one wrong step and he could end up with lizard guts on the bottom of his foot. “Levi, help me catch it!”

“You let it out!” Levi shouts, standing on the sofa cushions. “You fucking catch it!”

Bean takes a sharp turn, further evading the wrath of Erwin’s grip, scampering towards the sofa. Levi lets out a high shriek, one he’s not particularly proud of, as he climbs further onto the backrest of the couch. Erwin snorts, barely stifling his laughter as Levi screams in horror, his body slamming to the floor with a smash as he jumps forward in a futile attempt to grab it before can take refuge underneath the couch. 

The barks from the kitchen grow louder, the sound of Glutes’ collar jingling as he rushes into the room, howling jubilantly. He speeds past Erwin, his blue eyes wide with shock before they disappear behind the mass of fur. Levi sees two arms try to find their way around the dog’s body, Erwin cursing, screaming at Levi to grab the lizard, but Glutes escapes from his grasp as if it’s nothing, slipping through his arms like sand through his fingers. 

Levi watches the events unfold as if he’s watching a nature documentary, his eyes wide with horror as he watches the majestic predator leap forward in slow motion, Glutes’ front paws and nose slipping into the crevice under the couch in pursuit of Bean, the tip of his tail still visible as it disappears under Glutes’ menacing pounce. Erwin’s eyes go wide, his mouth opening in scream as he rushes forward on his hands and knees, pulling Glutes away by the collar.

“Levi!” he shouts, his face contorting as he pulls. “Help me out!”

Levi rushes down from his spot on the couch, his arms winding their way around Glutes’ torso to pull him back. They finally yank him away, holding him in place as Erwin forces his thumbs between the dog’s lips, Levi frowning as he watches slobber run down his hands, dog breath blowing in his face. Despite the smell, he leans in closer, watching as the dog’s sharp teeth move in a rhythmic chewing motion, Erwin hissing in a gasp at the sight of blood on his teeth.

“Oh fuck,” Erwin says weakly. Levi retches, turning away from the sight with a hand over his mouth. 

They sit on the floor dejectedly, watching in despair as Glutes keeps chewing, too weak to even move forward to scold him. The apartment is a cacophony of noise, Bandit racing around in his cage, grey fur pressing up against the bars as he pleads for attention. There’s a quiet snorting sound, followed by the pitter-patter of hooves across the floorboard as Teacup speeds through the kitchen. The creak of the front door sounds, Teacup turning around to greet Hange as she makes her way into the apartment. Erwin turns to Levi, sighing, before whispering, “She’s going to kill us.”

Levi only nods blankly, neither of them getting up when they hear Hange’s cheery voice greet her pig, refusing to look up when she makes her entrance.

“I’m back,” she pants, a small smile gracing her lips as shuffles through the bags on her arms. “I bought a couple of spare bulbs just in case it happens again, and stocked up on food for the rest of the we-“

She stops abruptly, her eyebrows furrowing in amusement and curiosity, giving the two of them peculiar looks as she spots them on the floor. Her eyes flit from Levi to Erwin to Glutes to the disturbed couch cushions, only speaking when she sets eyes on the two of them again.

“Is everything okay?” she says, cocking an eyebrow. Neither of them respond, only watch as Hange’s face falls as she drops her bags, rushing towards the empty lizard tank.

“Why the hell is Bean’s tank open?” she asks. She grabs the top of the tank for support as she bends down to look through the gaping opening. Her head snaps up, staring at the two of them with wide eyes. “What the fuck happened?

“Oh no,” Hange gasps quietly, rushing towards Glutes when she sees his jaw working, opening and closing as he chews loudly. “No, no, no, no, no! 

“Open your mouth!” she snaps sharply, all three of them on the floor giving a start. Her hands work open Glutes’ mouth, her own falling open and tears forming in her eyes when she sees the mess in his mouth. “Oh god, what the FUCK happened?!”

“Hange,” Erwin says, his voice tentative and pleading, “I’m so sorry. We tried to put the hot blanket in the tank to see if it would work better, but he ran out before I could push him back in, and Glutes pulled him out from under the couch before I could get to him, I’m so sorry.”

Hange doesn’t respond, only swallows the lump in her throat before rushing back to the sofa. She lies down on the floor, muttering to herself as she tries to peer through the gap between the floor and the couch.

“Hange,” Levi says hesitantly, watching her as she gets up. She moves to the end of the couch, her cheeks puffing out and her brow furrowing as she pushes one end forward, leaving a space between the backrest and the wall. “What are you-“

His words are interrupted by a loud gasp, followed by relieved laughter. Hange disappears behind the couch, leaning down. When she rises again, she has her hands clasped in front of her face, smiling through her tears.

“Oh, he’s just fine,” Hange laughs weakly, peering in through the gaps in her hands, Bean’s snout peaking through her fingers. Erwin laughs in relief, his head falling into his hands. “He just dropped his tail, is all. So smart of him, too, escaping from mean ol’ Glutes by dropping his tail.

“He must be so scared, look how fast he’s breathing,” Hange murmurs to herself, kneeling down so that she can return him to his tank, her hands slow and gentle. She readjusts the screen, sliding it back in place, watching as he gets himself settled under his leaves.

“Erwin, pass me the bags,” Hange says. Erwin obliges, giving her the smallest one. She shuffles through it, her hand pulling out a box with a red light bulb sitting snugly in the middle. She rips it open, swapping the old bulb with the new one, shouting in triumph as she plugs the lamp back in, its red, hot glow illuminating the tank.

“Well,” Hange sighs, “that must have been a long day for poor Bean. So strong of him, he actually survived the whole ordeal.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Levi!” Erwin gasps, Hange whipping her head around to glare at him for his comment. “This isn’t the time for you to make jokes like that.”

“You both know I hate the thing,” Levi says apathetically, shrugging.

“Yeah, I can tell,” Erwin says, “considering our neighbors three apartments downstairs could probably hear your shrieking when he ran out of the tank.”

“You say that like it isn’t creepy,” Levi says. Despite his calm demeanor, he can feel his cheeks grow hot, his ears burning in his embarrassment. “And like that thing, along with every other animal in this house, doesn’t cause us this much chaos on a daily basis.”

“It was an emergency, Levi.” Hange interjects.

“Well, it’s over now,” Levi says, waving his arms around the room. “So now we can go about the day like we planned it, and go out for the first time in a month and spend time with all three of us together, instead of fretting over heat lamps and pig food so we can find some calm before the next pet emergency inevitably interrupts our routine in a few days and you can run off on another adventure while we deal with your animals.”

“Levi,” Erwin says, glaring at him. He’s stopped as Hange rises from the floor. She moves between them, her face hard and her aura icy, bumping into Levi as she walks past him to scoop her bags off the floor.

“Hange,” Levi groans, rubbing at his face as he watches her disappear down the hall. “Hange, don’t do this.” She doesn’t respond, only storms through the apartment, her footsteps loud against the floor. He hears the door slam viciously, Glutes howling at the noise.

“Well fuck,” Levi says, moving into the kitchen, flopping into one of the chairs by the counter. 

Erwin shoots him a glare, and Levi sinks into the seat in shame, eyes following Erwin’s back as he makes his way to their room. Levi can hear him knock on the door, him and Hange bickering inaudibly before Erwin comes back, standing in front of Levi with his arms crossed.

“Go apologize,” he says, one arm extending to point down the hall. It makes Levi’s gut bubble in annoyance, and he can’t help but feel like a child being chastised. “And do it sincerely.”

“I didn’t fucking do anything,” Levi says. “She’s just being a sourpuss.”

“She has a right to be angry,” Erwin says, his voice rising. “You keep treating her pets horribly and don’t offer to make any sacrifices that would make her happy, and you don’t even realize how much your complaining hurts her.

“Those pets mean something to her,” Erwin says, “I don’t think you would appreciate it if she made fun of all the things that meant something to you.”

The words are a blow to Levi’s ego, but he knows they’re true. He sighs, leaning his head back on the chair before slowly rising. He starts to make his way down the hall.

“Fine,” Levi says, hanging his head as he slowly shuffles towards Hange’s room, Erwin’s eyes boring into his back all the way. He stands sullenly in front her door, raising his hand to knock. There’s no answer.

“Hange,” he calls, knocking again. “It’s Levi.”

“Go away,” Hange calls, her voice noticeably thick and low even through the door, and Levi wants to punch himself in the face for making her so upset.

“Hange, I’m sorry,” Levi says, his hand reaching for the doorknob. He opens the door slightly, trying to peer through the crack. “Can you please come out so we can-“

He feels the door push back on him, slamming in his face. “I said go away!” she cries. “Next time I’ll make sure to catch a few fingers in the door, too.”

Levi sighs, his head falling forward, his forehead hitting the door with a thunk. He makes his way back into the living room, speeding around Erwin, avoiding his staring blue eyes. He scoops Teacup up from her pile of blankets, her legs wiggling furiously as she squeals in rebuttal. Levi makes his way back to Hange, shooting Erwin a glare when he chuckles in amusement.

Levi braces himself in front of the bedroom again, knocking on the door.

“Can I come in?” Levi asks gently, looking down at his shoes, cradling the squirming pig in his arms.

“No.”

“Please?”

“No,” Hange says. “Don’t think I won’t slam the door in your face again.”

“You wouldn’t do that Teacup,” Levi says, holding the pig out in front of him, her snout to the door, “would you?”

As if on cue, Teacup gives out a small snort, her feet wiggling again. There’s a shuffling noise from inside the room, Hange’s footsteps sounding before the doorknob starts to turn.

The door opens slightly, Hange glaring out at him, her eyes red and swollen. Levi holds Teacup higher, giving Hange the best wide-eyed look he can from over the pig’s back. Hange takes a deep breath, and Levi thinks she’s about to slam the door on him again before she gives a small laugh.

“Come in,” she says, throwing the door open. She takes Teacup in her arms, the animal immediately calming in her owner’s grasp. She moves over the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress, the sheets still tangled from their morning romp.

Levi follows her in slowly, taking a seat beside her. They sit in silence for a while, Hange scratching at Teacup’s head before Levi opens his mouth to speak.

“I’m sorry about what I said,” he says, the words rushing out of him. He gets a sigh in response, and he sits nervously, waiting for Hange to say something.

“You know I don’t like it when you make fun of my pets,” Hange says, looking down solemnly at the pig in her lap. “But you keep doing it anyway.”

“I know,” Levi says. “And I’m really trying to get better with it. But I can’t help but be pissed when you need to run out on some pet emergency on short notice. It’s like   
you’re so preoccupied with them that you don’t mind ditching us on a whim.”

“Well, sometimes animals get sick,” Hange says, “or run out of food, or need a new heat lamp. I love them like family, Levi, and I need to take care of them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad when I have to go running off on a pet errand and end up leaving you two here. I love you two more than anything, and I don’t want my pets to get in the way of that.

“I know you hate them,” Hange sighs, “but I can’t bear to lose any of them.”

“I don’t hate them,” Levi says. “Well, not all of them. That doesn’t mean I want you to get rid of them. I’m just being an ass.”

“A jealous ass,” Hange says, giving him a smirk.

“Yeah,” he says. “A really big one. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she says, moving forward to rub her nose against his. “I know you can’t help it. Just don’t be so mean to them.”

“Yeah,” Levi says. “I know.”

“Alright,” Hange hums. “I’m glad we had this talk. Now, maybe we should actually do what we planned today?”

Levi feels the corner of his lips curl into a smirk, shifting closer to Hange on the bed. “Go shower and make yourself decent,” he says. “We’re going to be out all day, and we have a surprise for you when we get home tonight.”

“Oh?” Hange muses. She starts to lean in, her lips coming dangerously close to his. “What kind of surprise?”

“It wouldn’t be one if we told you what it was about.”

“Can I have a hint then?” she asks, her eyes boring into his.

Levi closes the gap between them, their lips locking for a tender kiss, before he pulls back. Hange tries to lean in again, following him as he moves away, but he puts a hand up to stop her. 

“Can’t give too much away,” he says. “We’ll save the rest for tonight. Also, brush your teeth.”

“Yes, sir,” Hange says enthusiastically, rising from the bed with Teacup still in her arms. Levi reaches forward, pinching one of her ass cheeks. She gives a small squeak in response, giving him a sly grin over her shoulder as she makes her way to the bathroom. 

Levi gets up to follow, making his way back into the kitchen. He creeps up behind Erwin, placing a kiss to his temple.

“Go clean yourself,” Levi says, eliciting a small chuckle in response. “We’re going out soon, and I want you both presentable this time.”


End file.
